Social Phobia...?

I have always been very uncomfortable in social situations as long as I can remember. Although, I am well read, on top of current events, have a graduate degree and have a great career, I prefer the comforts of my home and very often avoid making commitments with friends.

I believe I have a mild form of social phobia as I am prone to depression. I get tongue-tied around people and always have to rehearse what I will say in my head before I speak it. If I don't, I end up interchanging words, not finishing my train of thought, stuttering and sounding foolish.

This weekend, Kevin and I went to Santa Barbara to celebrate his best friend's birthday. It was hands down the best birthday party I have ever been to. Live band and tri-tip barbecue all on top of a very large apartment deck/patio. The highlight of the evening was the illegal mortar fireworks that went off at the of the evening. I had anxiety all week. Every time we are around Kevin's friends, I just get nervous and awkward. His friends are much younger than me and enjoy a very hedonistic lifestlye.

I feel as if I am the dull or "boring" person out of the group because I always find myself keeping the walls company. Everyone's mingling but no one chats with me. When someone does come talk to me, after a few words have been exchanged, they immediately move on. Maybe I am just not interesting enough... I have to check myself repeatedly in the mirror to make sure I have nothing in my teeth and make sure I don't stand with my arms crossed as it makes me look unapproachable. Oh yes...and smile...

It is a little easier to talk with some men. Although, I find that more men are attracted to fliratious women and since I am not very flirtatious, I am usually not the center of attention. With woman, I often feel as if they are sizing me up and because of my Payless shoes, Ross attire, make-up less face and unkempt hair, I may not look sophisticated or cool enough to converse with. I know this is all in my head; but I always feel as if I don't fit in. (I actually went and bought some make-up last weekend).

This also extends to work. I try to avoid conversations with people I work with by peering into the breakroom to make sure no one is in there before I walk in. If there is anyone in the bathroom, I will wait until it is empty before I do my business. My work doesn't involve much interaction with customers or other fellow employees so I am mostly work alone.

Oddly enough, I have been attempting to write for many years and always have difficulty crafting in "conversations". I wonder if this inability to write natural flowing conversations extends to social situations. I don't believe I need pills (Zoloft,Paxil, etc) because maybe I just have inadequate social skills and lots of insecurities (another topic).