Mood: Low Spirit

The last several days have been chaotic- an emotional oscillation. I haven't worked this hard since college - correction, since my previous employment harvest hours. Days starting at 5 in the morning, barely eating anything during the day and getting home around 8 at night. I am wrapping up my project to be delivered by the end of next week. Fixing bugs and finetuning everything. Attempting to locate and fix memory leaks... it's been a difficult task.

With my little girl in the Dominican Republic and with this crazy frenetic work schedule, I have found myself a little low-spirited lately. I believe the lack of exercise probably exacerbates the situation. I've had to miss the last several spin classes. I've been contemplating my future. I want to buy a house with a yard for my little girl to play in. She would like to have a brother or a sister.

Dating is challenging for a single mom. Most of the men I meet are not mature enough to handle the situation or they choose not to. I'm sure they feel financially and emotionally overwhelmed by the "immediate" family. It doesn't help that most of the men I meet tend to be younger than I am. Sure, sure -- the immediate solution would be to meet people my age or older. However, attraction doesn't work that way.

So on the occasion that I am approached by someone for a drink or dinner, I am explicitly inform them that I am a single mother. They are straightforward in letting me know that they are not ready to parent someone else's child and ... the courtship begins. Somewhere in the back of my head, I know the relationship is doomed from the start and will not have a future. So why even bother?

Tianna is gorgeous. She is a loving daughter. She is bright, talented, caring and very adventurous. She rarely gets moody. She is an all around great kid. She's been fortunate to have traveled to many countries. She's told me when she is older, she would like to travel the world and meet people and learn about their cultures. She is my pride and joy. Yes, their is a negative social stigma of being an unwed mother but despite the financial difficulties in raising a child alone (especially here in Santa Barbara) and the hopeless dating scene, if I had to do it over again, I would have made the same decision.