Sketch of a Loser
I've often wondered if I was born to the wrong parents. I am the black sheep in my family. I know I am a disgrace to my parents. Rather than follow traditions - marry at 18, have several kids, buy a house in the suburb, drive a couple of nice cars like my cousins. I opted for the vagabond life - partied about, traveled abroad, dated outside my race, fell in love and had a child out of wedlock, became broke, lived as a pauper, single mom at 33, renting instead of owning, and driving a beat up car with a hole in the bumper. Not something you'd want for you child, understandably.
Another disappointment. I didn't go to medical school like expected. I didn't arrive in a career that would benefit society, ie Teacher, Dentist, etc. No, I became a programmer. Didn't matter that I finished graduate school. I can't measure up especially since my sister, married mother of three, who owns couple ranches is now a strong candidate for Principal of an elementary school. Congrats, Anne!! I am close to my sister and very proud of her.
What's more disappointing? My throwing away money in hobbies such has flying, painting and guitar lessons not to mention my other meaningless pursuits. My dad called me this morning. I haven't talked to them in several weeks. It's difficult to face up to expectations you know you can't meet. And its disheartening to have to hear your parents boasts of other cousins and wonder why you can't be more like them. So my 33rd birthday, my dad called to remind me once again that I am still the .............loser.
Another disappointment. I didn't go to medical school like expected. I didn't arrive in a career that would benefit society, ie Teacher, Dentist, etc. No, I became a programmer. Didn't matter that I finished graduate school. I can't measure up especially since my sister, married mother of three, who owns couple ranches is now a strong candidate for Principal of an elementary school. Congrats, Anne!! I am close to my sister and very proud of her.
What's more disappointing? My throwing away money in hobbies such has flying, painting and guitar lessons not to mention my other meaningless pursuits. My dad called me this morning. I haven't talked to them in several weeks. It's difficult to face up to expectations you know you can't meet. And its disheartening to have to hear your parents boasts of other cousins and wonder why you can't be more like them. So my 33rd birthday, my dad called to remind me once again that I am still the .............loser.
posted at
9:28 PM
4 Comments:
Damn. I would be so frustrated, too. You are successful in your own right, and so what if you were broke -- you pulled yourself back up on your own, without asking for their help. It's too bad their view of "good" is only to be their carbon copies. I think it's so cool that you penetrated a career field primarily dominated by men, hold a master's degree, fly fucking airplanes and raise a kid all by yourself. That's more than what many can handle. So, for what it's worth, from one woman to another (and a friend), you are successful to me.
at 10:42 PM
Hi Aymiee - it wasn't until I came to post a comment and saw Becky that I realized you are the Aymiee she has mentioned. Der...
Anyway, thanks for visiting my blog and leaving a lovely comment.
Your post kills me. You think your a loser? Well, sweetie, I am the Queen of Losers, so step into my queendom - it is not so bad once you accept it. And realize a few hard truths.
I know that feeling of guilt (Oh Man, do I know that feeling!) of not living up to parental expectations. I have it better than you in one aspect - no siblings to live up to. But worse in another way - I'm an only child. I'm the only one they had to fulfill their hopes. It all fell on my shaky little shoulders, and it didn't sit well. Didn't sit at all, acutally.
But, you see, that's the problem with this right there. Our parents give us life and take care of us and naturally we want to "give back" to them and make them happy. But just because they brought us into this world doesn't mean they own us. It is our life to do with as we please. Parents need to realize that their kids are not here to live out the parent's dreams or unfufilled longings. We are not here for them to live through vicarously. We are individuals. Nor are we responsible for their happiness. All easier said than done, I know.
I know my parents wanted grandchildren and for me to marry and do all those sane, nice normal things. Instead they got this freaky counterculture little artsy type who is prone to depressions and obsessions and enjoys "weird" things. I'll never give them grandbabies, I'll never live in the suburbs, I'll never be someone they can boast about to their friends.
I know they have been hurt many times over because of my inability to be a "normal" person, but how can I be someone I'm not? And how can I tell them otherwise?
I think the choices you've made sound fascinating. I've always wanted to learn how to fly a plane.
You are not a loser, Ayimee, you are a distinct individual who doesn't fit into the status quo. Find pride in your accomplishments and uniqueness.
I could carry on about this subject for paragraphs - it hits so close to home. But, I'll spare you anymore of my ranting.
You are welcome at my blog or to email me anytime you want. You are not alone. Never.
Also, you've got Becky and she is one hell of a person to have on your side.
Hope you feel better soon....Teresa
at 4:49 AM
I feel bad that your family has made you feel like this. You are a strong independent women and don't ever let anyone make you feel otherwise!
at 1:58 PM
I read your blog, here are the reasons of why you are not a loser;
You have had a child
You have flown a plane
You have played a musical instrument
You have painted wonderful artwork
You have been to Europe
You have created many complex programs
You have danced naked on a strippers pole (my personal favorite)
These are all things many will die never doing, and you have done all this and more.
You are a liver, not a loser.
at 6:19 PM
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